Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?