Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
