I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
