dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
