Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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