you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
