My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
