last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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