New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
