you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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