So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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