i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
