"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
