She went from zero to smokin in five shots
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
