the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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