It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
