This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Randomize
