One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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