Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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