does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
