I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
