I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
