Screwed.edu
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
