Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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