I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
