take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
