...so i touched it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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