I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
