I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.