What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.