I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends