that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.