Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
