You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
