If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
