i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
