Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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