WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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