You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
