I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize