I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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