I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
