My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
