I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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