Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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