New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you win again, gameday.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
