If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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