I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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