Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
