u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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