Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
