The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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