I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
