Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
