just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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