I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
