She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
