Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So much Jack, so little girl.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
