Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
