if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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